I thought I lost you

      

The sun was setting. The sky was orange bathing every ounce of the my room in its color. I was finally at peace. It had rained heavily . I love a heavy rain, uncultured, stormy in nature as it would consume everything coming in its way. And finally the evening sunset after heavy rain. Just orange.

I was sipping coffee. For the first time I had tried to move on . For the first time in a long while I have not been scared , just for a moment. For a moment , I had not thought about you. I have been eaten by people who lurk on my back like some ghost. I feel as if someone took a big bite of my heart and left the remains to give me pain. It wouldn’t have hurt if it wasn’t done by you. But what was I to you, I have kept asking this to myself every time as if thinking about all this is my wholesome world. And like a foolish lover I was happy to give you  my whole heart. But you didn’t know right, how much I loved you. I was just a best friend right. Why push me away when I tried coming closer, when I tried to comfort you, when I tried to get into your sorrow. You simply told “don’t get ideas”. Then why do you call me drunk and ask me if I still love you or not. And I simply make you sleep. Why pull me closer when I try getting away. Why would I stick with you when you can find love from every person in the room. It breaks my heart to see you wrapped in someone’s arms and still you demand love from me. How shall I respond to you? Shall I be happy that you still remember me or shall I be hurt that you still choose someone else over me. I am in this dilemma form a long time. Well if only you want to cage me then congrats , you win. You have caged me  in an infinite loop of despair and hopelessness. And I have  made you my world, knowingly or unknowingly. People around you don’t even know your favourite music or favourite food or favourite anything , still I am not the one you choose. You ask me not to call you for sometime for some weeks because you are busy in events or busy travelling but then few days later you call yourself only to shout at me why I didn’t call. You tell me I am pathetic. How wouldn’t I ? I don’t have another world. Maybe I want to have my own world but I don’t have the courage to get broken again. So I can’t think of anything.

I was so consumed in this thought that I did not listen to the knocks on the door. Finally a big thud on the door awakened me. Who would it be , I thought to myself. As I opened the door , it was you standing on the door , all wet in the rain. You gave me a simple smile. ”Am I not welcome or you still all gloomy and upset that you have forgotten me?”. You reeked of alcohol. “You drunk again?”, I asked. It’s the first time you have not called after getting this drunk rather came directly to my house. “May I ?”. You barged in before I could say something. “Still the same gloomy place….wait…you organized it”. “Yes I did. Here take this towel. Dry yourself up.” It came mechanically to me , this care for you. As if I have been encoded with it. You didn’t pick the towel. ”Dry my hair. I am busy drinking” , you said showing me the beer and sat down on the floor. I came close to you sat on my knees and wrapped your hair in the towel. Then I dried your hair using the hair drier. “You wont lecture me on this today?....c’mon speak something dammit…..I want to hear your voice”. “Its dried. Let me bring you some clothes”. I went to my room to grab some clothes. I took out a t-shirt and a  lower which you had left at my place a long time ago. As I moved around you were standing right behind me staring at me. Those pale, weary eyes staring right at me. I don’t want to read them now. Or maybe I want. Don’t lie to me that you aren’t  broken and screaming within. The beauty your eyes held , I could look at them forever. Did any of your lovers realized  what those eyes wanted to say? Could they only satisfy you just because your body reacted towards them because you were drunk? “Wear these. You left them the last time you came. I will make some coffee for you”. You didn’t say anything and closed the room behind me as I walked out. I had started preparing noodles and coffee for you when you walked out of the room. Wearing my red shirt and my shorts. “They didn’t fit. And this shirt is comfortable.” I kept looking at you for sometime . Beautiful. Slender hands , small palm, thin fingers , small feet, my red shirt with sleeves folded up. All placed in harmony creating a fine tune with the nature and producing a symphony which would make anyone fall in love. And suddenly you interrupted ,“make the coffee strong” . “Ok. Have these noodles first. You might be hungry. I will bring the coffee.” You took the bowl of noodles and sat on the kitchen slab next to me. “What? Can’t I sit here”. Why these moves here, what are you trying to show or tell, I cant understand. I was busy thinking when you rested your head on my shoulder. Wait, what is this. I might fall in love again. “You okay?”, I asked. You didn’t reply. I heard the sobs. I poured the coffee. But the sobs did not stop. I couldn’t say anything. Well you had taught me that when someone is in pain and you don’t know what to say then just be present there. Well now whenever I am near someone who is sad or in pain or crying, I just want them to stop. I don’t care anymore. Still, I turn my head towards you and put it in your hairs and kiss your head, hoping to calm you down. But now you hold my arms tightly and rest your head on my chest and weep. You clutch my t-shirt as if you are holding on to something before falling and weep loudly. Why I am in pain. Its you who is crying then why my eyes are filled with tears. I gently caress your hair and now you have put your arms around me tightly and weeping. “I am tired. I am stuck. Why are you damaged too? Why are you not fine so that you can fix me? Why?”. Words were barely coming out of your mouth. I hold you and walk you to the couch and make you sit. As I try to move you are still holding my hands. I look at you as you are pointing to sit next to you. As I sit next to you climb onto me and rest your head on my shoulders. “Wouldn’t your boyfriend mind?”, I ask. “I am not a lover you know” saying this you slept. Huh. I have sighed after a long time. Sleepy face. Tender lips like the shape of the waves. I put the hair fallen on your face behind your ears. What wouldn’t I do for this moment, for this look on your face. I realized you have slept this peacefully after a long time. I keep looking at you, but before I realized I slept too on the couch itself.

When I woke up you were already awake, staring at me, your hands still wrapped around me. You do not say anything, just keep looking at me. “Do you want the coffee? Shall I warm it up? You didn’t eat either”, I say to break the silence. “Just stay”, you say looking into my eyes. “I missed you. I missed you dummy”, your eyes watery again. I place my finger on your lips. And you calm down. ”What  have you done to yourself, all this alcohol and smoking , will it give you what you are seeking or will it remove the pain you have been hiding from.” I wanted to tell her how much it hurts me to see her like this, how much it breaks my heart to see her breaking inside and presenting the world as if she is the strongest in the world. But I could not say as it had filled and chocked my neck. “Hey do you love me still or not? Why don’t you hate me after all what I have done to you. Hate me. Why do you still care? Just why? Why did you fall for me? I hurt you . I left you. Still you welcome me. Don’t say that you don’t love me anymore. I am stuck. I cant move. I cant breathe. I am struggling. But then you are too, right? Still I demand. I don’t want to be sick. People have claimed to love me but I…”,you were stammering again. Your push me back and place your palm on my lips and kissed. I am still wondering , I am still trying to figure it out. “I am a bad girl, right. I gave you numerous heartbreaks. But I could never get satisfied with anybody , I could never find anybody who loved me like you did”. You caress my face with your palm. ”I have missed your eyes so much. You are my home. Why didn’t you stop me, I would have come back to you running”, you say and then you come closer looking at me “Why don’t you say something? Don’t hate me. I wont run away now. But now I only have a broken heart left. All I can give you is the broken heart. You wont reject it right. I am your bad girl, right”, then you kissed me on my lips, your hands all over me trying to take all of me. You hold my head in your palms, “I love you”. A sudden thunderclap and it started raining again. “All these years I have loved you, got jealous, got mad but could never hate you. I had seen you kissing someone else in front of me still I couldn’t make myself hate you. I don’t know what it is but for this moment right now I could do anything. But love. Maybe I am too damaged myself. But if my love is what you need then I would stitch my broken heart and present it to you in a bowl. All these years I wanted to break free of you I wanted to move on but in real all I wanted was you to love me. Even if you run away, I will still be together with you. I will keep on staying until you get sick or tired of looking at me or until you ask me to buzz off. All these years I have stayed. I can stay way longer. “, as I say tears roll down your cheeks and you kiss me again.

“I love you with all I am , with all I have left, with all I will ever be. Dummy. I have been in love with you for so long. Baby, you are my home”, you try saying this without stammering. “I want to be fine again. I am tired of my shit. I am tired seeing you in this mess. I want to love you. Will you let me?”

I smiled, it felt light as if I have escaped my mind as if I want to live again, live for a reason. And we kiss again a little longer than last time going all over each other making the love of the life.